Mary-Sue! Ahahaha!
by Hera Lirambar
Summary: A too perfect girl, a not quite perfect girl, and a totally imperfect girl go to Middle-Earth in a very Nightmare Before Christmas-y way. Sort of a Mary-Sue/Mary-Sue spoof combo.
1. NLMOBTCR

Disclaimer: I don't own the Lord of the Rings or Nightmare before Christmas. They belong to J.R.R. Tolkien and Tim Burton. I do own Rita, Ana, and Cari. But feel free to take them. I sure don't want them.  
  
Once upon a time there were three girls who were best   
friends. One girl was named Paulina Elmira Rita Francesca Evita   
Clarissa Teresa. She went by Rita, for an unknown reason. She   
had soft hair that was so long people tripped over it, eyes that   
changed color so much one would have a seizure looking into them,   
and teeth so perfect and sharp they could cut through diamonds.   
She also radiated light so much that everyone around her had to   
wear sunglasses if they didn't want to be blinded. She wore sexy,   
revealing clothes that were so sexy and so revealing, men killed   
each other to go out with her. She had such a perfect voice that   
it made people sick to their stomach to listen to her. Rita was   
very nice and would often do things for people... who all happened   
to be hot males.  
Another girl was Anita Mae, or Ana. She had blondish hair   
that was sort of shiny if she washed it well. Her eyes were a kind   
of sparkly green/brown. She was skinny, and in fairly good shape.   
She wore whatever she pulled out of her closet. Her voice was   
sort of pretty, but nothing spectacular. She could be nice, but   
most of the time, she just didn't want to.  
The third girl was named Cari. She had hair in tangles, mean   
eyes and was not very good looking. She wore old clothes and had   
the voice of ...something with a bad voice. She also hated people.  
One day they were all riding around in Rita's perfectly cool   
car. She had agreed to give them a ride because they promised   
they would be meeting many attractive young men on the way.   
Ana had needed to go to her boyfriend's house, then go with him   
to a rave, and Cari had needed to go her boyfriend's house to   
break up with him. Both of their boyfriends lived very far away.  
She had been driving nearly nine hours and Rita was getting   
very tired.  
'I wish my friends could drive,' she thought as her eyelids   
began to droop. Her friends were already asleep. Pretty soon, so   
was she, despite the fact that she neglected to stop the car.  
"LOOK OUT, WE'RE GONNA CRASH!" Ana woke up with a   
start, waking Rita up as well.  
"WHY THE HELL WERE YOU SLEEPING AT THE WHEEL!?"   
Cari smacked Rita in the back of her head. Rita stopped the car   
before they crashed into a tree. Doing that was actually   
pointless, because the car ran out of gas just then. They looked   
around them, and realized there were trees almost everywhere.   
Apparently they were in some sort of forest. The car had gone   
down a path for a little while, then Rita had shifted in her sleep,   
causing the car to turn and almost crash into a tree next to them.  
Rita got out of the car because she had total confidence   
that she could fight off anyone or anything that came near her.   
Ana and Cari followed her. They walked down the path, because   
that made the most sense, aside from driving away. But they   
couldn't do that because, of course, the car had run out of gas.  
"What kind of trees are these?" Rita wondered out loud.   
The path had ended, and all around them were trees with pictures   
on them. They had pictures of things like dragons, fairies,   
wizards, and warriors on them. One caught their attention in   
particular. It had a picture of Frodo, the hobbit from The Lord   
of the Rings on it, holding the one ring of power. When they got   
nearer, they realized the ring was a handle.  
Cari elbowed Ana in the side. "Hey, check out the tree."  
"I'm checking." Ana replied.  
"No, I mean go over there and check it out, stupid," Cari   
shoved her friend over to the tree. Ana tried pulling at the ring,   
but nothing happened.  
"Try turning it!" Rita suggested. Ana did so, and the whole   
picture on the tree opened like a door.  
"Now go in!" Rita commanded, after looking into the hole,   
which obviously lead to Middle-Earth.  
"Why me?"  
Cari grinned at her in a very mean way. "We need someone   
to go through and see if it's safe, right?"  
Ana took a deep breath and told herself 'You can do this.   
Heck, you want to do this. You like The Lord of the Rings. Those   
two are just chicken.' Then she let herself fall through the hole   
in the tree.  
Rita looked down after her. "She landed perfectly on her   
feet, but look! There's tons of snow down there! She didn't even   
make a footprint!"  
"That's because she was turned into an elf, you moron," Cari   
glared at her.  
"Well, I guess it's safe," Rita said, ignoring her companion's   
rude remark. She jumped daintily through the hole, and, rolling   
her eyes, Cari followed.  
Ana could tell at once what had happened to her. She felt   
her ears to be sure, and they came to points at the tips. Then   
she jumped up and down on the snow, but didn't even make a dent.   
A dark shadow passed overhead.  
"INCOMING!" Cari shouted as she landed on Ana. "Hey,   
thanks for catching me!" Cari laughed sarcastically, and shoved   
Ana's face back into the snow before finally getting off her.   
Then they both turned to see that Rita had already landed in the   
snow, and had a good laugh.  
"This isn't the way it's supposed to be!" Rita covered her   
head, tears in her eyes. "I'm supposed to turn into a beautiful   
elf, join the Fellowship, fall in love with Legolas, save Gandalf, and   
save Boromir! I'm not supposed to be a... a dwarf!"  
When they were done laughing, Ana and Cari decided to   
console their friend. They were tempted to walk off and leave   
her there, but they came to the conclusion that she could be of   
some use.   
"Hey, being a dwarf isn't so bad," Ana put a hand on her   
friend's shoulder.  
"But I wanted to be an elf! They're so beautiful!" Rita's   
mascara ran down her face.  
"You know, dwarves have made some pretty damn beautiful   
things before. Crowns, swords, necklaces..." Ana told her.  
"Really?" Rita sniffed. "I guess I could get used to this."  
"And for a dwarf, you are rather pretty," Ana smiled. Rita   
glared at her. "Don't talk to me about MY looks in this place, elf   
girl." She looked over at Cari. A more correct statement might   
be that she looked down at Cari.  
"Aw! You're a cute hobbit!" Rita smirked.  
"Shut up. You have no room to talk,"  
"How come only Ana became something good?" Rita huffed.  
"Says you," Ana crossed her arms. "I don't like elves."  
Rita looked as though she was about to kill her, and even   
Cari looked a bit angry.  
"They're boring," Ana said, knowing she would need some   
reasoning behind her dislike for elves. "And they act like they're   
better than everyone. I for one would like to be a hobbit.   
They're so much more interesting." She turned to Cari. "What   
would you like to be? If you could chose, of course."  
"Uruk-hai. Or at least an orc," Cari said as if it were the   
most obvious thing in the world.  
"Should've guessed," Ana rolled her eyes. Rita started got   
up.  
"We'd better get going if we don't want to miss the council,"   
she told them.  
"How do you know the council hasn't already taken place?"   
Ana asked.  
"Oh. Damn."  
'Well, if you want to go to Rivendell anyway, I'm pretty sure   
it's that way," Cari pointed in a certain direction.  
"How can you tell?" Ana asked.  
"I memorized all the maps in the books," Cari walked away,   
and Rita and Ana followed. 


	2. What MarySue?

It was a coolish dayish day in Rivendell. The kind of dayish day that makes you   
sing "Day-O!" It was also snowing. This is because I want snow and I don't feel like   
waiting until we get Caradhras. So it was cool, dayish, and snowing. But it was also   
uneventful. Unless you count that time Figwit got his tongue stuck on a frozen pole.   
Other than that, nothing was going on.  
Elrond, bored out of his skull, paced around... somewhere. Inside. The shipment   
of tiaras (Elrond- CIRCLETS!) he had ordered on Elfbay had not yet arrived. He was   
getting tired of waiting.  
"I grow tired of waiting for the circlets," he said, verifying my point. What point?   
Nevermind. There was a knock of the door. What door? Elrond opened the door, and   
standing before him was a female elf, dwarf, and hobbit. The dwarf spoke first, in a   
surprisingly sweet voice.  
"Where's that hunka-hunka burning elf love?" she said, letting herself in.   
"Heeeere, Leggy-kun!" She began looking for him. Under the lampshade, in the   
mousehole, behind the painting...  
"Who the hell are you?" Elrond asked. "And who the hell is Leggy-kun?" The   
hobbit stepped inside.  
"I'm Cari. The elf next to me is Ana. The dwarf is Rita. And Leggy-kun is   
Legolas Greenleaf. Who the hell are YOU?" she sneered.  
"My name is Lord Elrond," he told them. "Come inside, out of the cold."  
"You knew who he was!" Ana whispered loudly to Cari as they walked inside.  
"I know I knew. I just felt like saying that."  
"Have you been smoking pipeweed?"  
Just then, a random elf walked in randomly. He took one look at the three girls,   
screamed, and ran off. Odd. To Elrond, the girls seemed harmless. He called for another   
random elf.  
"You called?" the random elf asked.  
"Yes, I called," Elrond answered.  
"That's good, because coming when you didn't call would be bad."  
"And I did call, so all is well."  
"It was me you called, wasn't it?"  
"Actually, I was calling for any elf."  
"GET ON WITH IT!" Cari screamed at the two elves. Elrond cleared his throat   
and turned to the random elf.  
"Can you tell me why a different random elf ran from the room when he saw   
these three young ladies?" he gestured to Ana, Cari, and Rita. (No, he gestured Larry,   
Moe, and Curly. Not that there's much difference.)  
"Sir, these maidens are Mary-Sues. Ish. They each seem to possess some sort of   
Mary-Sue like quality." answered the random elf. The screen suddenly blurred as Elrond   
had a flashback.  
  
*****  
  
Legolas Greenleaf runs in on Elrond, his face covered in lip marks. Legolas', not   
Elrond's.  
"YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE ME FROM THE MARY-SUES!" Legolas shouts in   
terror. Just then a bunch of sirens come in and drag Legolas away.  
  
*****  
  
"Oh yeah. Mary-Sues." Elrond mused. The random elf put on a one of those   
graduation caps and got out a pointer. He pointed it at Rita.  
"Exhibit A, in personality, is clearly the most Mary-Sue like of the three. This   
can easily be proven by the fact that she insists on calling Legolas pet names. Note also   
sugar sweet voice and glaringly obvious lack of brain cells. However, she is a dwarf,   
which is odd."  
Rita had left the room, and she could be heard calling for "Lego-chan" in the next   
room.  
"Exhibit B," the random elf continued, pointing at Ana, "Is the most Mary-Sue   
like in looks. Heck, just the fact that she's an elf is enough. But she doesn't seem to   
likes elves, judging by that look she's giving us. Definitely odd."  
Ana did indeed give Elrond and the random elf dirty looks.  
'Exhibit C" he pointed the pointer at Cari, "Is the least Mary-Sue like of all of   
them. She is a person of intelligence, she isn't an elf, and she is very bitter."  
Cari rolled her eyes.  
"Thank you. You may go now," Elrond sent the random elf away.  
"So, where're Frodo and Legolas and the others?" Cari asked.  
"They aren't here," Elrond told her.  
"They didn't leave already, did they?" Rita came back, wailing. Cari rolled her   
eyes again. Ana did as well, to a lesser extent. ...Okaaaay.  
Elrond was faced with a dilemma. Should he tell them they had already left, and   
be rid of the girls (hopefully for good)? Or, should he tell them they hadn't gotten to   
Rivendell yet, so that they would wait for Legolas, and Elrond would have his revenge   
for that time Legolas spray painted "Elrond loves Isildur" on the side of the Last Homely   
House? Or, should he do what he always does in Mary-Sues and just say "Yes"?  
He opted for the third one.  
"Yes," he said, running away. Someone else could deal with those three.  
"Okay, thank you!" Ana piped up. "Hey, wait a minute-"  
But Elrond was long gone. 


End file.
